You know something is affecting you a lot whenever its the last thing you think about when you fall asleep and the first thing on your mind whenever you wake up. That hasn't happened to me in a long time, it was weird.

We had a very intense religious discussion yesterday in American lit. Made me think a lot about where i stand spritually. Basically the main focus of the discussion was ritualistic style of faith vs personal relationship. It all stemmed from our reading of "The Conversion of the Jews." I definately recommend reading it. 

I come from the most ritualistic of the Christian denominations, Catholicism. I've always been very proud of this fact and I love that my family is Catholic. I realize now though as I've grown older that some of the rituals of my church have lost a bit of their meaning to me-- more exclusively the chanting of prayers. I understand their purpose and I dont necissarily see this practice as bad, but it definately doesn't come close to how I feel whenever I'm actually praying and letting that personal connection with God ignite.

My main focus on church is the Eucharist. That part of my faith has remained strong ever since Steubenville sophomore year. I throughly believe in Transubstantiation and I know i'd feel incomplete if I started going to a church that did not provide communion. So where does that leave me? Semi-Catholic? haha I'm not really sure. I do like where I'm headed in my relationship with God though. Its not so much blind faith anymore like it was just a year ago.

Definately not in the interesting mood i was in yesterday morning.

Its weird that right now I actually don't have something to do at all. I haven't had this feeling since like... last spring. haha. But its Thursday night, and I'm debating how to spend it. Tried getting a bunch of people together, that kinda failed. May still go bowling with Daniel and Noel. Who knows. The girls are all busy doing artsy stuff :/

Wish I could know what people were really thinking whenever I'm talking to them. Sometimes I wonder if they're telling me the complete truth or only half truth in order to save my feelings. I don't know which I would prefer. I'm sure they would omit some things for good reason.. but still I don't like this guessing game.

eh, maybe I'm just overly paranoid.

It really sucks that a boy get under my skin so much last March-May. He made me very skeptical of people in general. I don't like it. It makes things like not getting a call back or a text back after five or six hours of waiting explode. I dont like that. Also makes me feel stupid. Am I stupid? Do normal people get worried over things like that?

Heh i sound very unsure of myself right now don't I. It comes and goes in waves. Some days i'm solid like a rock, other days are like yesterday and a little bit of today.

I guess the best definition of that is just being Human.

I should not be watching movies like the Lake House

I don't understand it.  I'm upset again, yet all I want to do is fulfill what happened in my dream last night. What does this mean? Its definately not a bodily need.. no its more than that.

Still tryin to understand.

oy vey

Didn't really cry. Definately slept like a rock though.

Chelsey is finally realizing that she made a mistake breaking up with Elliot.. I wish I knew what to tell her. My usual "motherly" instincts kick in and I want to fix it for her. But I find that I can, and that me doing something could possibly make it worse. I hope they can talk something out.

The sad thing is I don't really see them getting back together right now.

She broke his heart, she's finally feeling the break up months later. He's probably already done his crying. He had to already pick himself up and move on. Has he moved on? So many questions I have no answer to that she wants someone to answer. I hope she's strong enough to talk to him and figure out whats going on. Honestly if I were in his position... I dont' know what my decision would be.

Ren fest was wonderful :) And I was told I looked pretty legit with my costume, boots and dagger. Too much money spent but oh well. Less money=better times.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend home. Definately looking forward to NOT driving home this weekend though. Two weekends in a row is killer.

Still lookin for those answers.

Brain overload.

I do not like the fact that whenever I come back into town my friends feel the need to "have fun" and get drunk. I miss the times where we didn't "need" all of that crap. Its such bull.

I dont like the fact that alcohol changes who some of them are.

I do not like the fact that they are ok with this.

I do not like the fact that I have lost touch with the one person I gave part of my life to for over two years.

I dont like the fact that he annoys me or aggrivates me every time I see him.

I do not like the fact that its my fault we have lost touch.

I do not like the fact that I don't have that one person I can always run to about everything in my life anymore.

I do not like the fact that I don't understand parts of my own life right now.

I do not like the fact that I let it get to me so much.

I do not like the fact that I make myself paranoid.

I do not like the fact that I'm jealous of Kealy and Eric

I do not like the fact that I still can't get over being used for physical purposes for an entire semester.

I do not like feeling weak and unable to control my emotions and what is happening in my life.

I do not like that I keep building myself up and crashing myself back down.

I do not like that all of this hit me in a small setting of about three hours.

I am thankful oddly that this is all I have to deal with. I know my life is easy compared to others. Right now, it feels like too much to handle or think about.

I'm hoping this entry, a good cry, and a lot of sleep will calm my head down.