Spazzy_chicken's Xanga

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:13:53 GMT

You know something is affecting you a lot whenever its the last thing you think about when you fall asleep and the first thing on your mind whenever you wake up. That hasn't happened to me in a long time, it was weird.

We had a very intense religious discussion yesterday in American lit. Made me think a lot about where i stand spritually. Basically the main focus of the discussion was ritualistic style of faith vs personal relationship. It all stemmed from our reading of "The Conversion of the Jews." I definately recommend reading it.

I come from the most ritualistic of the Christian denominations, Catholicism. I've always been very proud of this fact and I love that my family is Catholic. I realize now though as I've grown older that some of the rituals of my church have lost a bit of their meaning to me-- more exclusively the chanting of prayers. I understand their purpose and I dont necissarily see this practice as bad, but it definately doesn't come close to how I feel whenever I'm actually praying and letting that personal connection with God ignite.

My main focus on church is the Eucharist. That part of my faith has remained strong ever since Steubenville sophomore year. I throughly believe in Transubstantiation and I know i'd feel incomplete if I started going to a church that did not provide communion. So where does that leave me? Semi-Catholic? haha I'm not really sure. I do like where I'm headed in my relationship with God though. Its not so much blind faith anymore like it was just a year ago.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:28:17 GMT

Definately not in the interesting mood i was in yesterday morning.

Its weird that right now I actually don't have something to do at all. I haven't had this feeling since like... last spring. haha. But its Thursday night, and I'm debating how to spend it. Tried getting a bunch of people together, that kinda failed. May still go bowling with Daniel and Noel. Who knows. The girls are all busy doing artsy stuff :/

Wish I could know what people were really thinking whenever I'm talking to them. Sometimes I wonder if they're telling me the complete truth or only half truth in order to save my feelings. I don't know which I would prefer. I'm sure they would omit some things for good reason.. but still I don't like this guessing game.

eh, maybe I'm just overly paranoid.

It really sucks that a boy get under my skin so much last March-May. He made me very skeptical of people in general. I don't like it. It makes things like not getting a call back or a text back after five or six hours of waiting explode. I dont like that. Also makes me feel stupid. Am I stupid? Do normal people get worried over things like that?

Heh i sound very unsure of myself right now don't I. It comes and goes in waves. Some days i'm solid like a rock, other days are like yesterday and a little bit of today.

I guess the best definition of that is just being Human.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:23:13 GMT

I should not be watching movies like the Lake House

I don't understand it. I'm upset again, yet all I want to do is fulfill what happened in my dream last night. What does this mean? Its definately not a bodily need.. no its more than that.

Still tryin to understand.

oy vey

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:32:11 GMT

Didn't really cry. Definately slept like a rock though.

Chelsey is finally realizing that she made a mistake breaking up with Elliot.. I wish I knew what to tell her. My usual "motherly" instincts kick in and I want to fix it for her. But I find that I can, and that me doing something could possibly make it worse. I hope they can talk something out.

The sad thing is I don't really see them getting back together right now.

She broke his heart, she's finally feeling the break up months later. He's probably already done his crying. He had to already pick himself up and move on. Has he moved on? So many questions I have no answer to that she wants someone to answer. I hope she's strong enough to talk to him and figure out whats going on. Honestly if I were in his position... I dont' know what my decision would be.

Ren fest was wonderful :) And I was told I looked pretty legit with my costume, boots and dagger. Too much money spent but oh well. Less money=better times.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend home. Definately looking forward to NOT driving home this weekend though. Two weekends in a row is killer.

Still lookin for those answers.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:59:36 GMT

Brain overload.

I do not like the fact that whenever I come back into town my friends feel the need to "have fun" and get drunk. I miss the times where we didn't "need" all of that crap. Its such bull.

I dont like the fact that alcohol changes who some of them are.

I do not like the fact that they are ok with this.

I do not like the fact that I have lost touch with the one person I gave part of my life to for over two years.

I dont like the fact that he annoys me or aggrivates me every time I see him.

I do not like the fact that its my fault we have lost touch.

I do not like the fact that I don't have that one person I can always run to about everything in my life anymore.

I do not like the fact that I don't understand parts of my own life right now.

I do not like the fact that I let it get to me so much.

I do not like the fact that I make myself paranoid.

I do not like the fact that I'm jealous of Kealy and Eric

I do not like the fact that I still can't get over being used for physical purposes for an entire semester.

I do not like feeling weak and unable to control my emotions and what is happening in my life.

I do not like that I keep building myself up and crashing myself back down.

I do not like that all of this hit me in a small setting of about three hours.

I am thankful oddly that this is all I have to deal with. I know my life is easy compared to others. Right now, it feels like too much to handle or think about.

I'm hoping this entry, a good cry, and a lot of sleep will calm my head down.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:59:45 GMT

Back in Tomball again. Eh, not too excited.

Excited about Renaissance Festival, not so much being at home.

Is that a bad thing?

Maybe its just because I was here just last weekend. And then i'll be back here two weekends from now, and then thanksgiving, and maybe again for Ren fest again. And then all of december and January.

Bleh

I'll be really happy when i move permanently to SM i think. Gotta start lookin at apartments in the spring!

Best quote of the week: "So, if guys think with their penis's and girls think with their hearts... does that mean that girls hearts are like penis's?"

bahahahahaha

Its true though. Girls hearts get them into trouble, boys penis's get them into trouble. We can't control them, its just how we function.

I am a girl, a girl who loves life, a girl who loves God, a girl who loves her friends, a girl who loves her family. A girl who doesn't give herself enough credit, a girl who never wants to be seen as prideful or arrogant. A girl who is stronger than she thinks she is, stronger than she feels she is. A girl who has been told she is admired but didn't understand why she was being admired. A girl who has an amazingly untroubled life in comparisson to most people. A girl who is thankful every day for everything she was given. A girl who doesn't believe she deserves everythign she was given. A girl who has a hard time letting go, a girl who is terrified of death coming into her life again, a girl who is realizing who she is, a girl who is growing. A girl who loves to give advice, a girl who loves taking care of people. A girl who is stubborn, a girl who is guilty of jealousy and sin, a girl who realizes the depth of some actions which seem not so deep whenever they are actually occuring. A girl who has realized a lot over the past two years. And a girl who is still realizing more and more every day.

I am me.
I hate me and I love me.
Imperfect me

Friday, October 30, 2009

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:29:17 GMT

hm... Brittany is Jealous.

And she doesn't like it.

Thanks a lot brain.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:00:45 GMT

so i bought a pretty purple dress today for ten bucks

and then i spilt coffee all over it

ha thanks life.

If you know me, you know I'm a point blank kinda person when it comes to telling the truth. I say what's on my mind or i write it out. I dont' really hold back on my emotions (in some situations) because the more i keep them in the more they drive me nuts.

And I realize this is intimidating

And I realize i expect too much whenever I ask people to do the same thing

I never meant to intimidate, i never meant to have too big of expectations. I'm sorry that I did. I know its made some people run away in the past.

I'm trying to mellow out right now. Still hard to detach when I don't really undertstand the reason of detachment.

Its his life, he's going to choose what he needs to do, and I should respect that.

And I do.

I'll probably still be here though if he ever changes his mind. lol.

Right now i need to stop making myself so dang paranoid and emo. I'm not an emo person. I have much more fun in life when I'm happy (Ha go figure right.)

Also, i know some people read this and I just want to say these entries are for me to get my thoughts out. I don't mind people reading them, but also know that I'm not trying to convince you to think a certain way by reading them. Its a glimpse into my own head if you will and nothing more. If you wanna take them on and interpret them your own way thats your buisness. But i'm not trying to make you do anything by typing the things I do. If it one thing I know I'm not its a manipulator :)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:59:28 GMT

You know how in The Princess Bride whenever Wesley says "As you wish" he really means "I love you"

I think i have those words as well. They change sometimes. Silly, dork, really anything teasing. Or I try to say it with words like nuzzle, or hug.

I wonder if some people hear that.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:24:56 GMT

I don't think i've posted these lyrics before.

Either way, I was listening to this song on the way back to SM and it just really hit me and relieved a lot of stress.

Pray About Everything- Luke Bryan

Time is tight and money's short
River's up and the weatherman
He's calling for another storm
Pressure's on, the margins thin
Gotta figure out a fix for this awful fix I'm in
Oh Mama, what am I gonna do
She said, "Child there's only one thing you can do"

Don't worry 'bout nothing
Let it go, see what tomorrow brings
Don't worry 'bout nothing
Pray about everything
Pray about everything

Love is blind,fate don't care
Lose your grip
And your balloons go sailing off into the air
Oh Mama,what am I gonna do
She said,"Child,there's only one thing you can do"

Don't worry 'bout nothing
Let it go, see what tomorrow brings
Don't worry 'bout nothing
Pray about everything
Pray about everything

Yeah take a walk, take a breath,oh give it all a rest
Take a cane pole to the fishing hole and catch a couple fish
And just like that toss'em back and make a little wish

Don't worry 'bout nothing
Let it go, see what tomorrow brings
Don't worry 'bout it stress about it,fret about it
Don't worry 'bout nothing
Let it go, see what tommorrow brings
Don't worry 'bout nothing
Pray about everything
Yeah,pray about everthing